Adjusting Goals

Today I make it all the way through practice without vomiting!

It is not a flawless victory. I do take frequent and long breaks. Most of these are to settle my stomach. I do admit, however, that some breaks are just because my legs are trembling and I feel I may collapse. I take a few moments to raise the volume on the voice in my head that says,"Push! You're here to work, not lollygag! You will not die. Keep going!" Sometimes I can't hear that voice through all the sweat, but I do my best to call it up. I've seen a Facebook post by a derby girl that reads, "Your legs don't hurt that bad. You CAN breathe. Keep going." I try to keep that thought in my head. That helps me push through the times when I'm just hot and tired and hurting, but isn't much help with the nausea.

I'm starting to wonder if I should just get over the fear of vomiting again. Maybe I should simply accept that puking will be a part of my summer practices and get on with it. I'm not so sure the girls would appreciate that, though. I'm not a graceful or quiet puker. Nevertheless, I have vowed to myself that if and when it does happen again I will return to practice after taking a moment to recover. Vomiting does not get me a free pass to go home early.

Warm up is rough again. I think I need to show up a little earlier to do a pre-warm up. My legs, I believe, will thank me for a more gentle introduction into the practice. Today we do a warm up drill that involves sprinting, then stopping and doing quick feet. Here's what I learn: I can't T-Stop when I'm going fast. Actually, I'll be honest. I don't actually try. I am so certain I'm going to fall gloriously if I do. Now, you know me. I fall constantly. It's no big deal. That, however is when I'm skating kind of over by myself, with lots of room around me. When I'm right next to other skaters, I am back to being afraid of falling. I try to plow down a couple of times, and a couple of times I just roll off the track and hit the wall. Finally I cry uncle and leave the drill to do laps. Looking back on it later, I wish I would have done the stops even if it meant falling in a heap every time to stay in the drill. After warm up, the rest of practice is with the new girls. We work on falls and stops again and we do some weaving. We run some suicides. I always hate to hear we'll be doing this, but I'm always so glad when we've done it. Channing, a new girl, and I work on our turns. Linda, the other new girl, leaves us all in the dust by weaving backwards through the cones. Yucky works with Linda for a while on hits. Yucky holds one of those pads you see football coaches use while Linda skates by and hits her. I join in for a couple if tries. I wish I had gotten in on that earlier. It's lots of fun and taking/giving hit is the most important thing I need to work on besides endurance. I hope we do that again on Sunday.

As much fun as I have, it's difficult to keep from being discouraged right now. Last month I was dangerously close to passing my skills test. I came back to practice determined to push through my endurance issues while polishing my other skills. I was planning to hit it hard, and I was to be ready to take the test again in a couple of weeks. Now, however, I'm finding it difficult just to skate a few laps. When I look back over the test and the week preceding it, I see this was a trend already starting. The week before the test, I tried to do my 25 laps and was crushed by my performance - or lack thereof. During the test, I found it nearly impossible to get back up after a knee drop or fall. My legs were just so weak. I hope it is the heat to blame, and not some sort of backslide in my physical condition. Either way, I'm stepping up the exercise routines between practices.

There is a big bright shiny silver lining to this. Every lap I complete, every fall from which I return, every sprint, every stop, every glide performed in this heat brings me closer to my goals. If it takes 3x the effort, I must be gaining 2x the reward, right? Someday it won't be so hot and I'll see how much stronger I've become.

I also know that I am pushing. At practice, I fear that I am not pushing myself hard enough. I am keenly aware of how much less I am doing than I was a short time ago. I wonder: am I slacking off? That is unacceptable. When I get home from practice, however, I can barely move to step into the shower. The day after practice I am nicely sore everywhere, quite painfully sore in some spots. (I'm also generally bruised.). This tells me that even though I am not doing as much or as well as I have in the past, I am legitimately stretching myself to the limit. As long as I'm pushing, I'm growing stronger. Again, someday it won't be so hot . . .

With this all in mind, it may be time to adjust my goals and expectations for myself. It is time to stop feeling discouraged and defeated. Instead, it is now time to view the heat as an obstacle to be overcome, and to focus my goals on it. I will truly make it through an entire practice without going overboard on breaks. If I absolutely cannot continue with the drill we are doing, I will not stop altogether. I will at least keep rolling. Did I write this same goal two months ago? I think I did. Sigh. Well, i met the goal in reasonable weather and now it is time to meet them in unreasonable weather. It's all about building endurance at this point.