Dodged That Bullet

I'm so glad I didn't skate yesterday. This is bad. This is so bad. Two days after the fall, I feel like I've been in a car wreck. My entire left side feels out of whack. My knee, elbow, hip, shoulder and ribs are crooked and sore and it hurts to breathe.

If I had skated yesterday, how much worse would I feel today?

We have a bout this weekend, at which I'll be selling shirts, and will be watching bout footage the following Wednesday. I will therefore be getting another full week to recover. I'd really like to get back on a treadmill I the mean time though.

www.hypersmash.com

Roller Skating Injuries are Sexy

Unfortunately, my current injuries are not skating related.

Yesterday after putting gas in my car, I climbed back into the driver's seat. Before I could make it, however, my foot slipped out from under me. I fell backwards out of my car and onto the pavement. The entire left side of my body slammed down on the concrete curb that the gas pumps sit on. My head banged against the gas pump. By the time I got home, my elbow had swelled impressively and my hip had turned black. There is nothing, NOTHING sexy about gas station fall injuries.

So much for my triumphant return to skating.

Doctor's orders are no skating for a week. While getting X-Ray orders, I asked the doctor if I could "roller skate." I'm not ready to use the term "Roller Derby" with her. I think she's wise to it, though. She looked at me and asked of I can expect to fall a lot while skating. I said I'm pretty likely to fall. She said not to skate if there is a chance I could land on that elbow. I'm to give it a couple of weeks.

So here I am at practice, my first practice after quitting without telling anyone I was quitting, and I'm just hanging around watching. I feel silly. I can't skate because my elbow hurts? What a wussy noob. I wish I would've brought my skates so I could at least do a few laps.

On the other hand, I'm not sure that I could get my elbow pad on over my swollen elbow. I am sure that it would be excruciating if I tried. Plus, I'm playing this off like it is a bump on the elbow and not a big deal, but it was a bad fall and is kind of a big deal. So maybe this is okay. This weekend there will be no practice because of a bout on Saturday. This means I will get an entire week of rest but only miss one practice.

Meanwhile, ouch!

I Can't Stay Away from Roller Derby

As ridiculous as it seems, through all the pain and sweat and disappointment, I cannot bear the thought of leaving Roller Derby. I simply can't do it.

The truth is, I do love it. I absolutely love it.

Why? Why, when I spend every practice near tears?  Why, when I can't even get through a warm up without feeling like a failure?  When I have no hope of playing in a bout for a very long time and wouldn't know what to do if I were to find myself in one?  When I am the only struggling new girl, which is a lonely position in which to find yourself?

I can't explain it. Some of it is what I was thinking yesterday. Being involved with Roller Derby, I feel like I'm a part of something special. Roller Derby is special. If you will permit me to be utterly corny, I will say it is magical. For some of us, the first time you see Roller Derby, you KNOW you want to be a part of it. There is nothing else like it.

It's a tough sport but it doesn't try to be a boys' sport. It's a sport for tough, feminine women and the two attributes are not mutually exclusive. Skate bags are packed with instant ice packs, skate tools and duct tape as well as with makeup, tampons and body glitter. Girls can be tough without being boys.

Speaking of skate bags, I love Derby gear. I love the skates, wheels, bearings, toe stops, pads, helmets. I haven't bought new shoes in three years, but I've bought one set of skates, three sets of wheels, two sets of bearings, two mouth guards, three sets of kneepads and two sets of elbow pads in the past five months. I have a lovely new hockey style helmet that I am saving to wear as a reward once I pass minim skills. Seriously, not to sound all girly, but Roller Derby has the best accessories. That's before you even start talking about tights and glitter and eyelashes.

I am very reserved for a long time with new people, so I haven't yet formed the lasting sisterhood type friendships that Derby forges. I believe that will come. Meanwhile, I really love being a part of this group. I like being with girls who don't mind smelling bad after a good practice. I like being part of a group that appreciates the aesthetic value of a good, loud pair of socks. I love how everyone seems so confident and together but once you get to know them you realize they are often fragile as well. It is this sport and this togetherness that brings out their strength.

I absolutely love the sound generated by 20 pairs of wheels grinding to a simultaneous halt.

So I'm sucking up my pride and returning to the track on Wednesday. Maybe nobody noticed.

I Quit!

I haven't been honest with anybody lately.

Everyone asks if I'm having fun at practice. I always say I am. This is an all-out bald faced lie. I am miserable every second of every practice. It's two hours of physical and mental battering.

I used to miserable for part of practice, but not the entire thing. It is hard work, and my body does protest. I'm not going to pretend that skating through foot cramps, back pain, muscle aches, and trembling legs is a party. It was, however until recently, extremely rewarding. Every practice I could feel improvement. It was happening faster than I thought it would. I could skate faster for longer. I learned new skills. Every practice ended with me feeling spent, but empowered.

That has all changed. My endurance has taken a nose dive. I can skate fewer laps than I could a month ago. I can't make it through the warm up. I can't hold a plank, even sissy style. Forget about honing my skills to retake the test. I am farther from passing it than I have ever been.

Twice a week I drive to practice all excited. I am going to push through. I will keep skating no matter how tough it gets. I am building endurance. This is a good thing. Today will be awesome.

Then practice starts. Five laps into the warm up, my legs shakes and my back aches. I breath fire. I bail out of the warm up drill, unable to complete it. I try to keep skating around the outside of the track, but it is sometimes all I can do to stand still on my skates. I fight against my desire to sit down. It's not so much that my body hurts as it is that I can't make it move. The mean girl in my head starts in. "You're never going to be able to do this. You're never going to be able to do this." The girl in my head gets louder as practice continues, as I struggle and fight and still must sit occasionally. Every practice ends with the exercise of holding back my tears until I make it to the car.

Today I admit defeat.

The new girl practice starts out promising but quickly slides southward. It consists of me and the one other new girl. You know - the one that's been skating for like two weeks and is ready to pass skills. We have the second track all to ourselves today.

Our warm up is laps. We are told to take ten laps each direction. Awesome! I really want to get some plain old fashioned skating in. I also need to work on my crossovers. This is so much better than trying to run warm up drills with the big girls.

Except it's not.

I struggle early. After the first five laps I'm already hurting. I'm not getting the hang of crossovers. By the time we switch direction, I can barely see anything except the track in front of me. Skate. Skate. Skate. Skate. I fudge the last lap, since they're waiting on me anyway.

As practice continues, I slide into despair. Everything is a haze of exhaustion and pain. Why am I putting myself through this? I'm only causing myself pain and disappointment. What's making it worse is we are running the best new girl drills ever. We take turns pushing then pulling each other around the track. This kind of thing is super fun, but all I can think of is how sick I feel. And, of course, how I'm never going to be good enough.

Finally I get to the last straw. We are to do five laps while leaning on each other. This is an awesome exercise, and it can help my stability. There's no way, however, that I can do five laps. We set out, and the other new girl, bless her heart, is encouraging me and trying to help push me along. I can barely see. I hear myself say out loud, "I can't do this anymore. I can't do it.". I repeat it over and over. She tells me we can get through it; just keep going. My feet are lead. My lungs are fire. I'm miserable. I simply will never be able to do this. Why do I continue to come here and kill myself?

Harmony yells that we need to pick up the pace. At this, 'm done. I'm out. I'm finished with the heat and the pain, with struggling to conquer something I will never master. Tears sting my eyes, blurring my vision further as I tell Harmony I'm going home and skate over to my bag. I pack my bag, openly weeping but trying not to burst into sobs. I sling my bag over my shoulder and head to the door.

I turn to take one final look back. Practice continues. Girls skate and stop, laugh and sweat. I hear their voices as they call out to each other, the rolling of wheels, the grinding of stopping, the clatter of pads hitting the floor.

This is the place where I was part of something special.

I get to my car and sob uncontrollably for a while. I am heartbroken. This place has been my place of misery, exhaustion, and defeat. I don't belong here. Why does the knowledge that I will never come back absolutely reduce me to shreds? I can't explain it. You'd think it would be a relief.

It's with a very heavy heart that I head home and end my time with Roller Derby.

The Roller Derby Advice You Don't Want to Hear

Today I address those of you who are thinking of joining roller derby, or have just begun.

The advice I'm about to impart probably does not apply to those of you who are already athletic, adding roller derby to your already long list of sports experience. It is targeted to those of you who, like me, are in atrocious physical shape. If your remote control thumb is the most toned part of your body, if you get winded climbing half a flight of stairs, if you are pasty white because the only time you are outside is when you are walking from your car to the store (and you park as closely as possible,) if you have no sports experience, no exercise routine, and no muscle tone but really REALLY want to play roller derby, this post is directed specifically at you.

You won't like hearing it.

Here it is. It's the most important bit of knowledge I can impart to you.

---------------------------------
You MUST develop AND follow an actual offskates exercise regimen.
---------------------------------

I know you are now going to practice twice a week (or three times.) I know you are getting more exercise than you may have gotten in years.I know you come home weak and used up, and you wake the next morning sore and bruised. You're feeling satisfied and proud of yourself for the work you are putting in. This is right. You should feel proud. It is a lot of hard physical work, and it takes a lot for some of us to decide that a thing is worth all of that.

If you want to improve, however, if you want to get there, to pass your skills test, to play roller derby, and to kick ass at it, you will have to do even more. You must build your strength and endurance by adding exercise to the days you are not at practice. That's right. You must drag your sore and battered body up and get it moving.

What are the exercises to do?

Obviously the best thing to do is to skate as much as possible. Nothing builds the muscles you use to skate like skating does. Depending on your schedule and proximity to skating facilities, you may not be able to skate every day. Even if you are able to skate regularly, off skates exercising can do wonders.

The muscles that will tire as you skate are those around your ankles and shins, the tops of your thighs, and your lower back. this is what you will need to work. you will also need to develop your cardio and endurance.

I've looked it up and discussed it with girls in my team. From what I understand, it is recommended you do:
*lunges on each leg
*squats
*squat and hold
*single leg squats
*calf raises
*wall sits

For your lower back, work your core with whatever combination of sit-ups, crunches, and planks you desire.

Cardio is self explanatory, but keep in mind that derby is sustained activity with bursts of high intensity. Interval training, with 2-3 minute high intensity alternating with 3-5 minutes of moderate intensity is your best bet.

My schedule goes like this:
Sunday - practice
Monday - core and legs
Tuesday - cardio
Wednesday - practice
Thursday - core and legs
Friday - legs and cardio
Saturday - rest

In addition to concentrated exercise, get in some extra wall sits during a commercial break, do some squats while you cook dinner, etc. Find any moment you can to strengthen your legs.

The more work you do between practices, the faster you will stop fighting your own body. Once you have the strength and endurance to make it through a practice, the fun truly begins.

Adjusting Goals

Today I make it all the way through practice without vomiting!

It is not a flawless victory. I do take frequent and long breaks. Most of these are to settle my stomach. I do admit, however, that some breaks are just because my legs are trembling and I feel I may collapse. I take a few moments to raise the volume on the voice in my head that says,"Push! You're here to work, not lollygag! You will not die. Keep going!" Sometimes I can't hear that voice through all the sweat, but I do my best to call it up. I've seen a Facebook post by a derby girl that reads, "Your legs don't hurt that bad. You CAN breathe. Keep going." I try to keep that thought in my head. That helps me push through the times when I'm just hot and tired and hurting, but isn't much help with the nausea.

I'm starting to wonder if I should just get over the fear of vomiting again. Maybe I should simply accept that puking will be a part of my summer practices and get on with it. I'm not so sure the girls would appreciate that, though. I'm not a graceful or quiet puker. Nevertheless, I have vowed to myself that if and when it does happen again I will return to practice after taking a moment to recover. Vomiting does not get me a free pass to go home early.

Warm up is rough again. I think I need to show up a little earlier to do a pre-warm up. My legs, I believe, will thank me for a more gentle introduction into the practice. Today we do a warm up drill that involves sprinting, then stopping and doing quick feet. Here's what I learn: I can't T-Stop when I'm going fast. Actually, I'll be honest. I don't actually try. I am so certain I'm going to fall gloriously if I do. Now, you know me. I fall constantly. It's no big deal. That, however is when I'm skating kind of over by myself, with lots of room around me. When I'm right next to other skaters, I am back to being afraid of falling. I try to plow down a couple of times, and a couple of times I just roll off the track and hit the wall. Finally I cry uncle and leave the drill to do laps. Looking back on it later, I wish I would have done the stops even if it meant falling in a heap every time to stay in the drill. After warm up, the rest of practice is with the new girls. We work on falls and stops again and we do some weaving. We run some suicides. I always hate to hear we'll be doing this, but I'm always so glad when we've done it. Channing, a new girl, and I work on our turns. Linda, the other new girl, leaves us all in the dust by weaving backwards through the cones. Yucky works with Linda for a while on hits. Yucky holds one of those pads you see football coaches use while Linda skates by and hits her. I join in for a couple if tries. I wish I had gotten in on that earlier. It's lots of fun and taking/giving hit is the most important thing I need to work on besides endurance. I hope we do that again on Sunday.

As much fun as I have, it's difficult to keep from being discouraged right now. Last month I was dangerously close to passing my skills test. I came back to practice determined to push through my endurance issues while polishing my other skills. I was planning to hit it hard, and I was to be ready to take the test again in a couple of weeks. Now, however, I'm finding it difficult just to skate a few laps. When I look back over the test and the week preceding it, I see this was a trend already starting. The week before the test, I tried to do my 25 laps and was crushed by my performance - or lack thereof. During the test, I found it nearly impossible to get back up after a knee drop or fall. My legs were just so weak. I hope it is the heat to blame, and not some sort of backslide in my physical condition. Either way, I'm stepping up the exercise routines between practices.

There is a big bright shiny silver lining to this. Every lap I complete, every fall from which I return, every sprint, every stop, every glide performed in this heat brings me closer to my goals. If it takes 3x the effort, I must be gaining 2x the reward, right? Someday it won't be so hot and I'll see how much stronger I've become.

I also know that I am pushing. At practice, I fear that I am not pushing myself hard enough. I am keenly aware of how much less I am doing than I was a short time ago. I wonder: am I slacking off? That is unacceptable. When I get home from practice, however, I can barely move to step into the shower. The day after practice I am nicely sore everywhere, quite painfully sore in some spots. (I'm also generally bruised.). This tells me that even though I am not doing as much or as well as I have in the past, I am legitimately stretching myself to the limit. As long as I'm pushing, I'm growing stronger. Again, someday it won't be so hot . . .

With this all in mind, it may be time to adjust my goals and expectations for myself. It is time to stop feeling discouraged and defeated. Instead, it is now time to view the heat as an obstacle to be overcome, and to focus my goals on it. I will truly make it through an entire practice without going overboard on breaks. If I absolutely cannot continue with the drill we are doing, I will not stop altogether. I will at least keep rolling. Did I write this same goal two months ago? I think I did. Sigh. Well, i met the goal in reasonable weather and now it is time to meet them in unreasonable weather. It's all about building endurance at this point.

More Tragic and Less Tragic

After being gone entirely for over a week, and off skates for two, I show up an hour late for practice. That's right. I show up AN HOUR late for a two hour practice. I admit this was bound to happen at some point. Wednesday practice is at seven, but Sunday practice is at six. While this is fairly straightforward, it is the kind of thing that will trip me up. I usually remember because I figure Wednesday practice is later to give everyone a chance to get off work. However, one time I did head out the door at 5:15 for Wednesday practice, and now today I show up at 6:50 for Sunday practice.

How embarrassing.

The worst part is I was so proud that I was going to be on time for once. Usually I show up right at six (or seven.) This is actually late, though, because once I get there I have to hit the restroom. Anyone who's tried to pee while wearing skates and gear knows the value of getting that out of the way ahead of time. Then I have to gear up, which takes me forever. By the time I'm ready to hit the track, I'm late. Every time. Finally I am arriving with enough time to suit up! When I enter the warehouse, however, everyone's already skating. What the . . . ? Oh. Crap.

It turns out, however, that this may be a blessing. I only get to have an hour of practice, but I'm really feeling it. My ankles feel weak. My feet cramp. My shins groan a bit. My hips scream. It's not like being totally new, but I can tell that I've been a slug lately and it is uncomfortable. To top it off, it's just so very hot.

Then I feel it. A small but unmistakable wave of nausea rolls through me. I get a sip of water and rub some ice on the back of my neck. I'm okay. Everyone's hot. Obviously the human body can deal with this. I've been gulping water and gatorade for the past week so I'm well hydrated. I'll be fine. I return to the track, where I'm having lots of fun despite my discomfort. I skate a couple more laps, practice a couple more stops. Another wave rolls through. This one buckles my knees. It's not an emergency but I make my way to the restroom. I remove my helmet, splash some water on my face and hair, and feel better. I'm fine. I'm okay. I return to skating. Now it's getting to about the end of practice. Originally I had intended to see how many laps I can do in two minutes when practice was ending. Now this seems like a horrifyingly bad idea. I've got an unpleasant urpy feeling in the back of my throat. My helmet smothers me. If I can take it off, obviously all this heat in my body will be released. I remove my helmet which surprisingly does absolutely nothing to make me feel better. It is the end of practice though so I dodge the vomit bullet for today. What if I had gotten to practice on time, though? I'd never have made it.

Apparently getting sick is a trend for me now that we have hit summer weather. How do I combat this? The first thing I learned is that guzzling water during practice is not the answer. It makes me feel like there's a watermelon in my belly and contributes to the nausea. This was a big issue on skills test day. I kept feeling hot and sick so I kept drinking water which made me feel bloated and more sick. Today I employ the strategy of hydrating before, but only sipping during the practice, rubbing ice on my neck to cool off. This is a huge improvement over guzzling water during practice, but it's not getting me all the way there.

On the bright side, practice is super fun. I was the only one of my group who didnt pass skills, so I have been worried about being the only new girl. It turns out there are two brand new girls! They are great. I'm so eased to be working with them. They are starting at square one, obviously, which turns out to be perfect because it gives me the opportunity to brush up on the things I need. They are learning falls, so I am practicing popping up from a fall quickly and repeatedly. They are learning stops, so I'm improving my stops. They are learning 180 turns and . . . so am I. It's past time for me to learn this.

I spend a lot of time working on my turns. I hit the ground several times and come home with a couple of decent bruises. I still cant do them but am confident I will get it next time. I work on single leg glides, and can now almost go the whole straightaway on my right foot. (On the test I couldn't do it on my right at all.) Perhaps the most important things I think I will gain from this second round of new girl practice are endurance and confidence.

The bonus is I really like the new girls and I think they will both be staying. I look forward to learning with them. I hope I can be some help to them as I hone the last of my skills.

I also hope the heat lets up.

Prepared for Tragedy

So y'all remember that I failed my skills test, right? Well, tomorrow is my first skating practice since that day, two weeks ago.

I didn't drop out. It was a condition of circumstance that I didn't have a chance to get in a practice until now. The practice after my test was the clinic, which I came to watch but in which I could not skate. The following weekend we had a bout instead of practice. The next three practices I missed due to being out of town for the holidays.

I knew this was going to happen. I knew I would be missing some practices. I was prepared to use the time off to build myself up.

After my test, I spoke with one of the girls and she outlined a bunch of on and off skates exercises I could do to improve the areas that are lacking. I did these exercises every day. I returned to hitting the treadmill every other day. I was getting up every morning to skate up and down the street before the kids woke, and in the evenings was skating suicides in my driveway. My days were spent wearing my skates, dropping to my knees periodically, practicing standing on one foot, then the other. My husband let me practice hip and shoulder checks on him. By the time I returned to practice, I was stronger and had more endurance than before I left, and was much closer to passing my skills test.

This is how I THOUGHT it would go.

In reality, it goes more like this. I set my alarm every morning, but hit snooze until the kids wake up. I don't get on the treadmill even once. I spend some time wearing skates in my house, but it's not every day and it's not all day. I do the lunges and squats I planned, but again, not every day and without any real discipline. I do hit an outdoor skating track a couple of times on vacation, but the track is rough and I fall more than not. I cry uncle after only a few minutes.

It's amazing how motivating it is to have regular practice. When I think of skipping the treadmill or planks, I realize I have practice in a couple of days and I get up and do it. Left to my own devices for a couple of weeks I apparently turn into a slug.

The short of it is that tomorrow's practice is going to be tragic. Also, ive probably set myself pretty far back on the skills test. Sigh.

Tragedy or not, I'm super excited to finally be back at practice again. I miss my skates and my girls.