I'm finally making it through to the other side of this streak of negativity and backsliding. I took it easy for a couple of weeks, with the help of my cracked tailbone. This allowed me to reconnect with the fun of skating Last practice I started back in with pushing myself, and found myself feeling great after.
This practice I feel almost like I did before everything went south for me.
When I first get on the track, I remind myself to take it slowly. By the time warm up officially begins, my feet are a bit crampy and my legs a bit shaky, but I'm not miserable and I feel confident in my skates.
Warm-up? It's push-pull. Everyone gets in one long line. We all grab either the hips or shirt of the person in front of us. Then the woman at the front of the line starts skating, pulling the rest of us for a lap before dropping to the back of the line while the next person pulls the group. I am second to last. I hold my position in line, hands on the hips of the girl in front of me. I keep derby stance, ignoring the foot cramps, holding on while being pulled all the way until my turn. I'm ready. I prepare myself for the effort of pulling the entire group as the girl in front of me finishes her lap. I let go of her. I'm ready. Let's pull this line! And we're off!
And I'm down!
I lurch forward, perhaps anticipating the strain a bit too much. The feeling of someone behind me holding my shirt is odd. I crash to the floor. Embarrassing. Hello. I'm obviously new here.
Everyone cheers me on as I hop back up and get in front again. I pull everyone for the full lap, but then can't continue skating to regain my place in line. I take a break. I guzzle water in between hot gasping breaths. I do not watch the track. I focus only on the bench on which I am leaning. I listen, though. I listen as the last girl pulls everyone, then they reform the line. The last girl is now first to PUSH everyone for a lap. If I were still in the drill it would be my turn next. You know what? I'm doing it. I skate alongside the track for a sec, and when the girl at the back of the line lets go, I hop in. I push te long line of girls around the track. Halfway around, I call out, "Okay, everyone sprint!"
Nobody laughs. Huh. I thought that was crazy funny. U finish the lap with no further jokes.
After pushing the lap, I officially cry uncle for the rest of warm up and skate laps around the outside of the track. I am super proud of myself for jumping in to do the push, but later I'm disappointed that I didn't finish out the laps in line with the other girls. Next time.
After stretches, they set out to do the drill that put me in tears last practice. My brain races. "oh no i can't do this again i don't want to do this it hurts and i'm no good at it please don't make me do this" At this moment I realize the most important thing ever.
THAT IS MY PROBLEM.
I have other issues, such as being overweight and out of shape and having weak muscles and poor balance. All of these things can be repaired. It may take a while but it will happen. None of these issues, however, are as damaging or as far reaching as this one mental block.
As a brand new skater, when faced with a new challenge or a difficult one I had failed before, I was hesitant but excited to be learning something new. Some things seemed scary, but everything looked fun. Now, when presented with a challenge, I fall into despair. I think how much I can't do this and I make myself miserable. That is the worst attitude possible. I am here to learn. I am here to challenge myself. Nobody here is going to get mad when I fall or can't keep up. I need to want to do the rings that are hard. I'm not sure when I lost that.
I refocus myself. Yes this drill is hard, and I cried my way through it last time. But I did it. Now is my chance to give it another shot- to own it. I can feel the attitude shift in my soul, and a weight is lifted off me. I emerge from a cloud of fear and discouragement, and it is good. I'm ready. Let's pair me up.
As I look for a pair, it is suggested to me by the girl running the drill that I would be better off doing new girl drills.
Suck it.
Actually, it's okay. I know they're preparing for an upcoming bout. The other new girl is also being shuffled off.
We spend the practice working on basics that I never mastered. We spend quite a bit of time up on our toe stops. My ankles ache and my toes fall asleep, but I gain quite a bit from the practice. I work on my transitions, attempting turnaround toe stops. We work on blocks and hits.
I feel good and I plan to make my change in attitude permanent.
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