The Roller Derby Advice You Don't Want to Hear

Today I address those of you who are thinking of joining roller derby, or have just begun.

The advice I'm about to impart probably does not apply to those of you who are already athletic, adding roller derby to your already long list of sports experience. It is targeted to those of you who, like me, are in atrocious physical shape. If your remote control thumb is the most toned part of your body, if you get winded climbing half a flight of stairs, if you are pasty white because the only time you are outside is when you are walking from your car to the store (and you park as closely as possible,) if you have no sports experience, no exercise routine, and no muscle tone but really REALLY want to play roller derby, this post is directed specifically at you.

You won't like hearing it.

Here it is. It's the most important bit of knowledge I can impart to you.

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You MUST develop AND follow an actual offskates exercise regimen.
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I know you are now going to practice twice a week (or three times.) I know you are getting more exercise than you may have gotten in years.I know you come home weak and used up, and you wake the next morning sore and bruised. You're feeling satisfied and proud of yourself for the work you are putting in. This is right. You should feel proud. It is a lot of hard physical work, and it takes a lot for some of us to decide that a thing is worth all of that.

If you want to improve, however, if you want to get there, to pass your skills test, to play roller derby, and to kick ass at it, you will have to do even more. You must build your strength and endurance by adding exercise to the days you are not at practice. That's right. You must drag your sore and battered body up and get it moving.

What are the exercises to do?

Obviously the best thing to do is to skate as much as possible. Nothing builds the muscles you use to skate like skating does. Depending on your schedule and proximity to skating facilities, you may not be able to skate every day. Even if you are able to skate regularly, off skates exercising can do wonders.

The muscles that will tire as you skate are those around your ankles and shins, the tops of your thighs, and your lower back. this is what you will need to work. you will also need to develop your cardio and endurance.

I've looked it up and discussed it with girls in my team. From what I understand, it is recommended you do:
*lunges on each leg
*squats
*squat and hold
*single leg squats
*calf raises
*wall sits

For your lower back, work your core with whatever combination of sit-ups, crunches, and planks you desire.

Cardio is self explanatory, but keep in mind that derby is sustained activity with bursts of high intensity. Interval training, with 2-3 minute high intensity alternating with 3-5 minutes of moderate intensity is your best bet.

My schedule goes like this:
Sunday - practice
Monday - core and legs
Tuesday - cardio
Wednesday - practice
Thursday - core and legs
Friday - legs and cardio
Saturday - rest

In addition to concentrated exercise, get in some extra wall sits during a commercial break, do some squats while you cook dinner, etc. Find any moment you can to strengthen your legs.

The more work you do between practices, the faster you will stop fighting your own body. Once you have the strength and endurance to make it through a practice, the fun truly begins.

Adjusting Goals

Today I make it all the way through practice without vomiting!

It is not a flawless victory. I do take frequent and long breaks. Most of these are to settle my stomach. I do admit, however, that some breaks are just because my legs are trembling and I feel I may collapse. I take a few moments to raise the volume on the voice in my head that says,"Push! You're here to work, not lollygag! You will not die. Keep going!" Sometimes I can't hear that voice through all the sweat, but I do my best to call it up. I've seen a Facebook post by a derby girl that reads, "Your legs don't hurt that bad. You CAN breathe. Keep going." I try to keep that thought in my head. That helps me push through the times when I'm just hot and tired and hurting, but isn't much help with the nausea.

I'm starting to wonder if I should just get over the fear of vomiting again. Maybe I should simply accept that puking will be a part of my summer practices and get on with it. I'm not so sure the girls would appreciate that, though. I'm not a graceful or quiet puker. Nevertheless, I have vowed to myself that if and when it does happen again I will return to practice after taking a moment to recover. Vomiting does not get me a free pass to go home early.

Warm up is rough again. I think I need to show up a little earlier to do a pre-warm up. My legs, I believe, will thank me for a more gentle introduction into the practice. Today we do a warm up drill that involves sprinting, then stopping and doing quick feet. Here's what I learn: I can't T-Stop when I'm going fast. Actually, I'll be honest. I don't actually try. I am so certain I'm going to fall gloriously if I do. Now, you know me. I fall constantly. It's no big deal. That, however is when I'm skating kind of over by myself, with lots of room around me. When I'm right next to other skaters, I am back to being afraid of falling. I try to plow down a couple of times, and a couple of times I just roll off the track and hit the wall. Finally I cry uncle and leave the drill to do laps. Looking back on it later, I wish I would have done the stops even if it meant falling in a heap every time to stay in the drill. After warm up, the rest of practice is with the new girls. We work on falls and stops again and we do some weaving. We run some suicides. I always hate to hear we'll be doing this, but I'm always so glad when we've done it. Channing, a new girl, and I work on our turns. Linda, the other new girl, leaves us all in the dust by weaving backwards through the cones. Yucky works with Linda for a while on hits. Yucky holds one of those pads you see football coaches use while Linda skates by and hits her. I join in for a couple if tries. I wish I had gotten in on that earlier. It's lots of fun and taking/giving hit is the most important thing I need to work on besides endurance. I hope we do that again on Sunday.

As much fun as I have, it's difficult to keep from being discouraged right now. Last month I was dangerously close to passing my skills test. I came back to practice determined to push through my endurance issues while polishing my other skills. I was planning to hit it hard, and I was to be ready to take the test again in a couple of weeks. Now, however, I'm finding it difficult just to skate a few laps. When I look back over the test and the week preceding it, I see this was a trend already starting. The week before the test, I tried to do my 25 laps and was crushed by my performance - or lack thereof. During the test, I found it nearly impossible to get back up after a knee drop or fall. My legs were just so weak. I hope it is the heat to blame, and not some sort of backslide in my physical condition. Either way, I'm stepping up the exercise routines between practices.

There is a big bright shiny silver lining to this. Every lap I complete, every fall from which I return, every sprint, every stop, every glide performed in this heat brings me closer to my goals. If it takes 3x the effort, I must be gaining 2x the reward, right? Someday it won't be so hot and I'll see how much stronger I've become.

I also know that I am pushing. At practice, I fear that I am not pushing myself hard enough. I am keenly aware of how much less I am doing than I was a short time ago. I wonder: am I slacking off? That is unacceptable. When I get home from practice, however, I can barely move to step into the shower. The day after practice I am nicely sore everywhere, quite painfully sore in some spots. (I'm also generally bruised.). This tells me that even though I am not doing as much or as well as I have in the past, I am legitimately stretching myself to the limit. As long as I'm pushing, I'm growing stronger. Again, someday it won't be so hot . . .

With this all in mind, it may be time to adjust my goals and expectations for myself. It is time to stop feeling discouraged and defeated. Instead, it is now time to view the heat as an obstacle to be overcome, and to focus my goals on it. I will truly make it through an entire practice without going overboard on breaks. If I absolutely cannot continue with the drill we are doing, I will not stop altogether. I will at least keep rolling. Did I write this same goal two months ago? I think I did. Sigh. Well, i met the goal in reasonable weather and now it is time to meet them in unreasonable weather. It's all about building endurance at this point.

More Tragic and Less Tragic

After being gone entirely for over a week, and off skates for two, I show up an hour late for practice. That's right. I show up AN HOUR late for a two hour practice. I admit this was bound to happen at some point. Wednesday practice is at seven, but Sunday practice is at six. While this is fairly straightforward, it is the kind of thing that will trip me up. I usually remember because I figure Wednesday practice is later to give everyone a chance to get off work. However, one time I did head out the door at 5:15 for Wednesday practice, and now today I show up at 6:50 for Sunday practice.

How embarrassing.

The worst part is I was so proud that I was going to be on time for once. Usually I show up right at six (or seven.) This is actually late, though, because once I get there I have to hit the restroom. Anyone who's tried to pee while wearing skates and gear knows the value of getting that out of the way ahead of time. Then I have to gear up, which takes me forever. By the time I'm ready to hit the track, I'm late. Every time. Finally I am arriving with enough time to suit up! When I enter the warehouse, however, everyone's already skating. What the . . . ? Oh. Crap.

It turns out, however, that this may be a blessing. I only get to have an hour of practice, but I'm really feeling it. My ankles feel weak. My feet cramp. My shins groan a bit. My hips scream. It's not like being totally new, but I can tell that I've been a slug lately and it is uncomfortable. To top it off, it's just so very hot.

Then I feel it. A small but unmistakable wave of nausea rolls through me. I get a sip of water and rub some ice on the back of my neck. I'm okay. Everyone's hot. Obviously the human body can deal with this. I've been gulping water and gatorade for the past week so I'm well hydrated. I'll be fine. I return to the track, where I'm having lots of fun despite my discomfort. I skate a couple more laps, practice a couple more stops. Another wave rolls through. This one buckles my knees. It's not an emergency but I make my way to the restroom. I remove my helmet, splash some water on my face and hair, and feel better. I'm fine. I'm okay. I return to skating. Now it's getting to about the end of practice. Originally I had intended to see how many laps I can do in two minutes when practice was ending. Now this seems like a horrifyingly bad idea. I've got an unpleasant urpy feeling in the back of my throat. My helmet smothers me. If I can take it off, obviously all this heat in my body will be released. I remove my helmet which surprisingly does absolutely nothing to make me feel better. It is the end of practice though so I dodge the vomit bullet for today. What if I had gotten to practice on time, though? I'd never have made it.

Apparently getting sick is a trend for me now that we have hit summer weather. How do I combat this? The first thing I learned is that guzzling water during practice is not the answer. It makes me feel like there's a watermelon in my belly and contributes to the nausea. This was a big issue on skills test day. I kept feeling hot and sick so I kept drinking water which made me feel bloated and more sick. Today I employ the strategy of hydrating before, but only sipping during the practice, rubbing ice on my neck to cool off. This is a huge improvement over guzzling water during practice, but it's not getting me all the way there.

On the bright side, practice is super fun. I was the only one of my group who didnt pass skills, so I have been worried about being the only new girl. It turns out there are two brand new girls! They are great. I'm so eased to be working with them. They are starting at square one, obviously, which turns out to be perfect because it gives me the opportunity to brush up on the things I need. They are learning falls, so I am practicing popping up from a fall quickly and repeatedly. They are learning stops, so I'm improving my stops. They are learning 180 turns and . . . so am I. It's past time for me to learn this.

I spend a lot of time working on my turns. I hit the ground several times and come home with a couple of decent bruises. I still cant do them but am confident I will get it next time. I work on single leg glides, and can now almost go the whole straightaway on my right foot. (On the test I couldn't do it on my right at all.) Perhaps the most important things I think I will gain from this second round of new girl practice are endurance and confidence.

The bonus is I really like the new girls and I think they will both be staying. I look forward to learning with them. I hope I can be some help to them as I hone the last of my skills.

I also hope the heat lets up.

Prepared for Tragedy

So y'all remember that I failed my skills test, right? Well, tomorrow is my first skating practice since that day, two weeks ago.

I didn't drop out. It was a condition of circumstance that I didn't have a chance to get in a practice until now. The practice after my test was the clinic, which I came to watch but in which I could not skate. The following weekend we had a bout instead of practice. The next three practices I missed due to being out of town for the holidays.

I knew this was going to happen. I knew I would be missing some practices. I was prepared to use the time off to build myself up.

After my test, I spoke with one of the girls and she outlined a bunch of on and off skates exercises I could do to improve the areas that are lacking. I did these exercises every day. I returned to hitting the treadmill every other day. I was getting up every morning to skate up and down the street before the kids woke, and in the evenings was skating suicides in my driveway. My days were spent wearing my skates, dropping to my knees periodically, practicing standing on one foot, then the other. My husband let me practice hip and shoulder checks on him. By the time I returned to practice, I was stronger and had more endurance than before I left, and was much closer to passing my skills test.

This is how I THOUGHT it would go.

In reality, it goes more like this. I set my alarm every morning, but hit snooze until the kids wake up. I don't get on the treadmill even once. I spend some time wearing skates in my house, but it's not every day and it's not all day. I do the lunges and squats I planned, but again, not every day and without any real discipline. I do hit an outdoor skating track a couple of times on vacation, but the track is rough and I fall more than not. I cry uncle after only a few minutes.

It's amazing how motivating it is to have regular practice. When I think of skipping the treadmill or planks, I realize I have practice in a couple of days and I get up and do it. Left to my own devices for a couple of weeks I apparently turn into a slug.

The short of it is that tomorrow's practice is going to be tragic. Also, ive probably set myself pretty far back on the skills test. Sigh.

Tragedy or not, I'm super excited to finally be back at practice again. I miss my skates and my girls.

Minimum Skills Day - Tossing' Cookies

So this is how it goes.

We take the track and start skating. They call out t-stop. I do it. Another t-stop. This one catches me off guard and on a turn and it's quite sloppy. That's okay. 180 turn. I fall. 180 turn. I stay up but wobble. Left knee drop. I know I can do this. Nope, fall. Right knee drop. I'm excellent with these. Nope- fall. Screwing up the knee drops destroys my game face. This was my go-to. I had thought that doing flawless knee drops would help make up for other shortcomings. Now I feel defeated. In my mind, this is already over. Left leg glides- not stellar. Right leg glides- awful. One more try. Left leg glides - pretty well nail it! Yay! Right leg glides- still awful. I'm already exhausted, hot, in pain, and I'm sure I failed. Should I keep going? Why kill myself? I want to cry and I want to go home to my family. I'm wasting my time and everybody else's. Im too old and too dat and I'm never going to be able to do this. Okay, deep breath. I swallow my misery and I decide to stay. I don't want to quit.

Falls. I do a rockstar a little roughly, then a second one a bit better. I do a couple of four points, but they are rough. I have a bit of trouble getting up from them. I do my three laps squatting okay and a lap of watermelon. Then we're asked to do scissor skate, which I have never heard of. It is demonstrated, and I recognize it as a technique for learning crossovers, but I didn't know it was its own thing. I've never really practiced it. I am not stellar at it.

We take a break before doing hits. I ask Mary if I should even continue. Seriously, I feel like I'm dying. Yonus, it's just so hard to keep pushing myself when there's no hope. She says I'm doing better than I think I am. I don't believe her, but I hang in there.

There are four of us taking the test, so they pair us up for whips. Whips go very well for me. I'd like to thank Val, Harmony, and Tanya for teaching them to us. Next it is time for hits. Generally I'm not bad at hits. I'm hopeful this will go well. Now, I had thought that we would be paired with a vet for taking and giving hits. Instead, we are paired up with each other again. I am paired with Christie. This is a problem for me. You see, it's much more nerve wracking and difficult to trade hits with another newbie than it is with a vet. You both know you're not as stable, and you don't want to be too rough or to trip anybody. On top of that, Christie broke her leg a while back, and just got her cast off about two weeks ago. I already know that when I give hits I tend to accidentally lock wheels with the person I am hitting, causing both of us to go flying. I've asked the vets about this, and they say this will go away with practice.

Meanwhile, however, I'll be damned before I become the person that sends Christie back to the hospital. I'm concentrating so hard on keeping my skates away from hers that I can't even connect to her when I try to hip check.

This is awful. The sting of tears burns my eyes. My lungs are full of hot coals. I can't control my breathing; I gulp for air. The room is spinning. I've failed. Why am I still punishing myself. I remove my helmet.

"You're up Ramona."

"Nope I'm out. I think it's obvious I'm not ready."

"Ramona, you really are doing better than you think. There are only a couple of skills left."

Okay. Here I go. I surprise myself with my weaves, do my jumps, attempt the bounce-off-the-rail exercise, and fight my way through quick feet.

It's time for laps. 25 laps in 5 minutes. You know what? I'm going to do this. I want to know that I can make this happen. I'm no longer trying to pass or to impress anybody else. I need to grab this strength from inside myself. I take a drink and get to the track.

The whistle blows. I take off. I keep up with the others. I'm doing it. I'm exhausted and I hurt all over and I'm discouraged but I'm doing it. It's crazy hot in here and I'm woozy and nauseous but I'm doing it.

I'm very woozy and nauseous.

Extremely woozy and nauseous.

Make that dizzy and sick. Very sick. If I don't get off this track RIGHT NOW I'm going to vomit. I slow down and step off the track. I'm disappointed but need to recover.

Oops, too late.

As my skates hit the floor outside the track, I realize there is no stopping what is about to happen. Can I make it to the bathroom, or do I need the trash can? I think I can make the bathroom.

As I head that way, I hear, "Ramona keep going, you can do it!"

Nope. I can't.

I can, however skate the fastest I have ever skated in my life, jump over the huge crack in the floor, hurl myself sideways into the bathroom hallway, and do a rockstar knee slide up to the toilet. I do all of this while removing my mouth guard and helmet. I make it in time- barely.

I am quite embarrassed though.

Vera says I can work on a few things and try again as soon as I am ready. I'd like to try again in a couple of weeks. How do I get ready?

I think a lot of my trouble is the heat. For the past couple of weeks, my endurance is shot. I'm like a brand new skater again. That's why I'm screwing up knee drops and such. I just feel like my body can't do it. I had thought it was a mental thing and I just had to push through it. I think my body's signal is pretty clear now, though.

Any ideas how to increase endurance and reduce vomiting when skating in the heat?

Minimum Skills?!? Ba Ba Bummmmmm!

I knew the skills test would be coming up soon, but I thought it would be in 2-3 weeks. Next week we have a bout and a training clinic, so I assumed it would be after all of that.

As the saying goes, assuming made an ass of me. We're doing the skills test BEFORE. We're doing it THIS COMING SUNDAY. Oof.

I won't have a practice available to just work on learning crossovers. I don't have a month to increase treadmill time and therefore endurance. Everything I keep thinking I need to work on? It's do or die time.

We have one practice between now and the test. Eeeep! (I'm pretty sure a real Derby player never says eeep.)

We did a mock skills test yesterday, after which I went to my car and sobbed. I am so not ready.

Thing start going poorly right off the bat during our warm up. We are to do ten laps each direction. I think i manage four. I don't know if it's the heat or the new bushings or what, but for the past week my legs turn to jello after just a couple of laps. By lap four, I'm struggling just to stand. By lap six every muscle is stressed to the max, and I'm fighting the urge to puke. It's like my first practice all over again. It doesn't get any easier as the practice goes on. I can't make it all the way through a single exercise without just collapsing. The world spins. My legs declare mutiny. It is awful.

After the warm up, we move on to practicing skills for the test. We start with "leisurely" laps, during which certain drops and stops are called at random intervals. I nail the left knee drop and the T-stop, which are both sketchy for me. Yay! I slam to the floor, however, doing the right knee drop which is usually consistent for me. Dammit. How could I have screwed up the easy one?

"Try it again, Ramona."

I would absolutely LOVE to try it again, to show you I can do it. I would love to prove I am worthy. In order to try it again, however, I must first get up off the floor. This is more difficult with each fall, and I've had several today. I fight my way to standing, push off, and successfully perform the knee drop. Whew! The 180 turns, however, are a different beast. I can do those if I'm skating very sloowwly. If I've already slowed myself to a neat stop, I can then spin around and put a toe down. Turning while actually moving forward, well, it results in me having to get up like six times.

Have you ever fallen down and seen the drops of sweat that dropped off your body when you hit the floor? It's pretty gross.

We go through weaving, jumping, taking and giving hits. I have varying degrees of success and have to get up 8-12 more times. The whole time, all I can think about is the final test: the 25 in 5. The massive undertaking looms large and heavy before me. It affects my ability to focus on the now.

Finally, the moment arrives. It is time to attempt 25 laps in 5 minutes on my aching wobbly legs. I have tried this once before. I gave it everything and managed 17 laps. My goal for today is 21.

I skate (drumroll) 16 laps. I am crushed, and I am fighting the tears. It is not just that I fell so far short that has me so upset. It is that I know I didn't give it everything this time. Physically, I could've driven harder, gone farther, pushed through the pain. Mentally, my head was not in it. I couldn't find my inner strength, that voice inside that says, "one more step, now one more step, now just get through one more step."

I just really let myself down.

I would have blogged right after practice, but I couldn't move even my thumbs. It's a good thing, because what you would have seen here would have been depressing an defeated. I spent all evening and part of this morning in a deep blue funk.

Today, however, is a new day. I know what I need to work on. Many of the things on which I am falling short only need a bit of work to perfect. I have a week. I can do this.

I need a theme song to get me through the 25 laps. I'm thinking The Sockness by Disturbed or Drowning Pool's Bodies.

I can do this. I will do this.

Banked Track Ballin'

Today I travel to my first bout with my new team.

I'm not playing, obviously. Melinda and I are selling merchandise. Luckily, the merch tables are located so we can clearly see the bout. I'm super excited to be contributing to the team that has taken in my slow ass, and am looking forward to socializing post-bout.

Here's the part where we talk about the banked track. Most modern derby leagues are flat track. My team is a banked track team. Currently, however, due to space requirements, we don't have a place to set up our track. We currently practice on a flat track and most of our bouts are flat track. It is a big deal when we get to play a banked track team.

Here's the awesomeness. Before the bout, Melinda and I are able to skate on the banked track for a while!!!

It's kind of terrifying. The bank is so much steeper win you're on it than when you're just watching. Merely climbing onto the track requires a couple of deep breaths and a steadying of nerves. From the ground, I throw a knee up onto the track and pull myself up. I stand.

Now what?

I'm standing on wheels at the top of what is now a crazy steep slope. I grip the railing. My knuckles whiten and I forget to breathe for a minute. Someone makes an extremely helpful suggestion: to get to the bottom, drop to my knees and slide down on my kneepads. Awesome!

Relief. I can relax.

Now what?

In order to actually skate on the bank, I'll have to somehow get back up to the top and start from there. Okay deep breath. Up on the toe stops. Bend my knees. Don't topple over backwards. Hold my breath. Run up the track on my toe stops until I can stretch out and reach the guard rail. Pull myself up from there.

Hmmmm. Now I'm back where I started. I'm at the top of the bank gripping the rail for dear life.

There's nothing to it but to do it. I let go and try to propel myself forward faster than gravity can pull me downward. I get a few feet before I hit the floor and slide to the bottom.

Okay. Try it again. And again. And again. I fall more times than I can count.

It. Is. AWESOME. I love it.

I am going to make it all the way around the track if I have to do it five feet at a time. That is about how it happens. Various teammates come by to offer support, tips and hints. I hope I'm not too much in their way. Eventually their warm ups take a more serious turn and I clear the track for them.  I watch in awe as they run drills that involve bouncing off the guardrail, getting off an back on the track, etc. I've never watched banked track from inside the track before. It is quite something to see. I am exhilarated.

The ladies take a break. The track is free for me to keep trying. Up the track, skate, slide down. I'm getting better! The amount of distance I can skate between falls keeps increasing. I never make it all the way around, but I do make it over halfway! I go the length of a straightaway, down the curve, and back up the next straightaway before I lose momentum and slide down. Whee!

Jamie has hung around to supervise Melinda and I. We can't really be skating by ourselves. I'm sure she'd rather be getting something to eat, and I am grateful to her. I'm even more grateful when she suggests I hold onto her hips while she takes me around the track. Up, down, and around she pulls me around the track twice at what feels like a breathtaking speed to me.

Thanks Jamie!

I would live to keep going, but recognize I am holding her up. I reluctantly remove my skates and gear, go get some dinner, and prepare to sell T-shirts. It is the most fun day!

Oh, and there's also a bout and an after party!

I Don't Lurve My New Skates So Much

I kind of hate my skates.

I'm so miserable. We shopped and shopped and researched and spent an ungodly amount of money. My skates are Wickeds. A lot of girls wait and save for a year or more before spending this kind of cash on skates. A brand new girl really has no business being on a set of these, but we got them and they're beautiful.

The thing is, they HURT. Bad.

Ten seconds into skating, my feet cramp something fierce. Throughout practice, my feet scream with a pain that takes my breath away.

I fear the skates may be too big. The next size down swished my toes, but my heels slip a little in these. I'm certain this contributes to the pain, as my poor toes keep gripping the bottom of the skates for dear life. Every time I pick up my foot, I feel like the skate will fall off. My foot's effort to keep the skate on is killing me.

I feel like crying. Is it really possible I bought skates that don't fit? I've already scuffed them so they can't be returned. Such a waste. I can never tell my husband. He is more excited about the skates than I ever was. He is so happy to have found and bought them for me. How can I ever tell him they don't work, that I want my old crappy skates back?

Some of the girls look at my skates for me. They are not too big. Whew! Cramping is a common problem in new boots. Not only do the skates need to break in, but your feet have to get used to the new skates. In my case, in particular, my previous boots were high top. I'm having to get used to not having the extra secure feeling of laces up my ankles. This leads me to lace my skates too tight, which causes -you guessed it - foot cramps.

The girls offer lots of advice about different lacing styles, insoles and padding that will help in the short term. The real fix, though, is to just give it time. I've just gotta take my potassium and ibuprofen and suck it up.

I'm so relieved that the skates aren't too big.

I Lurve My New Skates!

New skates = new wheels. Specifically, I got hard wheels. It is awesome!

I really really thought that buying new gear was kinda silly. I am a beginner, so how much difference would better gear make?

Answer: a lot of difference.

I haven't had the girls out on the track yet. I've been skating around my kitchen and garage, but see now how much extra effort I was putting I to just propelling myself forward. I can watermelon around without feeling like my hips are getting sucked out of their joints.

I can even (gasp) T-stop! A bit. On one leg. If I am going very slowly. T even sometimes makes that cool grinding noise.

I can't wait to get these bad boys out on the track. I'm ready to be a rock star.

Bumpin' and Jumpin'

Angela is instructing us today, and wields a copy of the minimum skills test. We go down the list, and I'm pleased to find we've already covered much of it. One thing we haven't covered is hitting each other.

Those of you unfamiliar with derby might be picturing elbows to the face and knees to the back. Those of you who know derby, however, know that there are very specific kinds of hits that are allowed. Anything else is a penalty.

The hits we are to learn today are hip checks and shoulder checks. It us what it sounds like it is. A hip check involves skating beside someone, and bumping their hip with yours. Remember that sing and dance, "Doing the Butt?" Probably not. Anyhow, it's like that. Shoulder checks are when you bump the other girl's arm or rib cage with your shoulder, being careful to not touch her with your elbow. Angela shows us how to do them, then tells us to try it out.

Whaaaa?

I'm genuinely shocked. I, for one, can barely stay on my skates. I can't imagine trying to bump someone! It's quite scary and also thrilling. What if I knock someone down? That's silly, of course. Knocking people down or away is part of the whole gig. I take a breath and I start skating alongside Christie. This by itself is a bit intimidating for me. Im not used to skating right beside someone like this. What if my skates hit her skates? What if i start to lose balance and i take her down with me? What if she loses balance and I roll over her? So far so good, though. We bump each other. We do this a few times. We both fall a few times, as often just due to falling as due to the bumps.

This is crazy fun. Once we've gone through both types of checks a few times, Angela asks what else we want to work on.

Christie says, "If it's on that piece of paper, I want to try it." I think this is very well put.

I'd like to take a moment to say how great it is to be learning along with someone like Christie. I personally tend toward negativity, and am frequently intimidated by or am afraid of new activities. If you've been reading along with my adventures here, you've probably picked up on that. Christie, however, is a go-er. She is upbeat and enthusiastic about all of this, and always goes for it. Her energy reminds me that although this is hard work, it's also fun.

Angela consults the list and asks if we've done jumps. Nope, I am certain we have not. Once again, scary.

The skills test involves jumping 3" off the floor WHILE SKATING. Actually, once I think about it, I realize it's probably easier to jump on skates if you're moving rather than if you're standing still. I watch Angela do it, then I give it a shot. I roll forward slowly, slowly, then . . . Hop!

I did it! I wobbled a bit on re-entry, but I did not fall! I do it a couple more times. Hop! Hop! Yippee!

Can I really be the same girl who so recently struggled just to propel myself forward without falling? Here I am, bumping and jumping!

Second Week Roller Skating

Today there are two other new girls. Melinda has been skating for a few weeks now and is preparing to take something called the Minimum Skills Test. The other girl, Sandy, is skating with us for the first time. Sandy is athletic. (I am not.) Sandy is slender and tall. (I am not.) Sandy is taking to the drills quickly and naturally. (I am not.) Do I hate Sandy?

Nope.

Sandy does the most beautiful thing. She asks questions. She asks about our current drill, about derby in general, about the rules of the game. This is beautiful because every time she asks a question, we pause. I get to kneel on a chair under the pretense of getting a drink. Really I am taking the weight off my aching feet and wobbling legs. I kneel, sip, circle my ankles, and listen through a haze of exhaustion and pain as Angela explains the game to Sandy.

Angela is our New Girl instructor today. She is on crutches due to a knee injury. Today is extra awesome partly because she is awesome and partly because the new girls have our own track today.

We go through it all again, except this time I'm sore and achy from last practice. We do knee drops, T-stops, plow stops. We practice skating in the dreaded Derby Stance. We also start talking crossovers, which Sandy can - of course - already do.

Crossovers are that thing that in my mind always separates the people who can actually skate from piddlers like myself. If you've been to a rink, you've seen it. Someone skates around a corner. They pick up their outside foot and set it down on front of the inside foot. Crossing it over, as it were At this time, my best strategy for skating around corners is to hold my breath, tense my body, keep my wheels on the floor, and hope I can make it all the way around before I need to push again. Apparently this does not cut it in roller derby.

I try to do a crossover. I start skating. I hesitantly pick one skate up in preparation of crossing it over the other skate.
BAM!! Right on the butt.
I get up, start skating again, try to pick up one foot.
BAM!!
Up, skate, foot,
BAM!!
BAM!!
BAM!!

Half of these falls are not on my nice friendly kneepads, but on my sore bruised butt. I'm definitely going to feel that later.

Angela has some great suggestions. She has me stand in one spot and just try crossing one skate over the other. I pick up my skate.
BAM!!
We have identified the problem definitively. I cannot lift a foot for even a moment without the other skate leaving the floor and my butt landing on said floor. This is kind of a big deal. I keep at this exercise for a while and eventually can lift one skate and put it . . . Kind of forward. It is not in front of the other skate and is most certainly not crossed over. This, however, is my victory for the day.

Angela gives me homework. To build my legs, I will stand in one spot and drop to my knees and back up over and over. To get used to crossing over, I will wear my skates on the carpet and practice stationary crosses.

Once again, I can barely move at the end of practice. I can't wait until the next one.

Suck it Up Time

I arrive at practice and take my customary hour or so to gear up. I head to the new girls, and I'm dying. My hip is still killing me from my recent fall. I can do this, though.

What are we doing today? Knee drops.

Shit.

Skating hurts a bit, dropping to my knees hurts a bit. Getting up is murder. I clench my teeth to hold in the yell every time.

The bad part isn't the pain. It's pretty bad, but what is worse is what it does to me. Instead of jumping in to take my turn, I hang around the periphery. I'm actively trying to get passes over some. I just have to give my hip some rest.

We work on stops. T-stops, yay! No more knee drops.

Except now I'm legitimately falling a lot, which presents the same issue with getting up.

Now it's plow stops. The movement itself puts such extreme pressure on my aching hip.

I look around, and I know no one of these women would let a sore hip slow them down.

I suppose it's time to stop whining and suck it up.

Ouch! My Pride!

The kids are asleep. The baby monitor is rests on a table in the garage. The husband is grilling.

I am in the driveway, skates and gear on, practicing the skills I'm learning.

Hubby hasn't seen me on skates since the first time I thought of joining derby, five years ago. Back then, I wobbled on legs that were not in cooperation with my feet. I had been terrified of falling, which was unfortunate because I couldn't stay up.

Now, however, I can roll forward without falling every time. Even more important than that I my confidence. I feel pretty good on my skates. My body is no longer rigid. I am not holding my breath. My face is not in a scowl. I am enjoying myself, and feel extremely proud.

Don't they always say that pride goes before the fall?

As I'm practicing knee drops, Hubby asks, "If you fall, should I help you up?"

"Nope," I say, "getting up is part of what learning."

It seems almost immediate after I say this that I suffer a catastrophic fall. I'm not sure how it happens. All I know is my back hit the ground as my right leg goes in a completely different direction from the rest of me.

Think James Brown, and those splits.

As I land, a shocking jolt screams through my hip. Once I'm down, however, I feel okay. I start to get up. I try to swing my leg around in front of me and bend my knee.

Obviously, someone is stabbing me in the hip. That I the only explanation for this agony. I cant even get my leg into position to try to get up. I'm done slaying for the day. I remove my skates and try to get up again.

Sonofabitch! Ouch! Really?!?

The elves stabbing me in the hip are going to work with explosives now. I can't get up at all. I now must swallow my pride and ask Hubby for help. He helps me to my feet and picks up my skates for me. We head inside.

Nope. Not happening. I can't walk at all. My hip is full of barbed wire, and when I try to put weight on it, I feel like fainting. Hubby helps me into the house, where I plant my butt on the sofa the rest of the night.

Ouch, my pride. Thankfully, Hubby is saving his jokes for tomorrow.